Nerdhatch archive: celibacy
In this flashback thread from April 2006, Josh takes a vow of celibacy and hilarity ensues. (note: I am not correcting typos made from the original posts)
Josh - I have decided on May 1st I am taking a vow of celebancy for 180 days. Comments.
Chris - cel·i·ba·cy n. 1. Abstinence from sexual intercourse, especially by reason of religious vows. 2. The condition of being unmarried. According to this, I’ve been celibate for my entire life! Beat that! ….wait, should I be bragging about that?
Josh - I am just doing this one…Abstinence from sexual intercourse….for 180 days!
Jeremy - Why? Why the celebacy, and why 6 months? Also, when does the pool start as to when you’re gonna crack? If you reach 2 months I feel it would be a public service to post signs around J-town warning females that you may pounce on any hole within 10 yards. If you reach 4 months the same posting may need to be forwarded to the ASPCA.
Josh - actually i am going to review this plan of action this weekend….i will crack lol…so maybe a shorter time frame is all i need also i heard the VA will pay for me to get snipped so i am going to check into that.
Josh - (May 1st) let the games begin!!
offspringrulz21 - haha that’s a good idea! Jeremy should create a little section for Josh to update. haha
Josh - actually thats funny you ladies mentioned that…i pm'ed jeremy the other day with that same idea.
Jeremy - it will be done.
Josh - on a side note jay has decided to join me in this jeremy! for one month though
Jeremy -I hope you’re not getting trying to get me to join in on this madness, cuz no way José. Isn’t Jay already “on the wagon” so to speak anyway?
Jeremy - If its swiss, after day 30 or so Josh may be inclined to hump the cheese. All those holes and all…
Josh - mm holes….wait what?!
Josh - no tis working…. :rofl:
Chris - A) SIX FRIGGIN’ MONTHS?!?!?!?
B) Cheese? Rotting fruit? WTF? I’m so confused.
C) I think I recall Jay making a similar vow last year while I was home. It was either swearing off sex or swearing off psycho, underaged whores…I forget which. Is there even a difference? Regardless, it didn’t last long either way.
D) Please, God, no pictures. The only relevant photography I can think of would be the progressive atrophy of your garbage. Or perhaps your withheld juices would give the “plump while you cook abstain” look, a la ballpark franks.
Josh - (May 4th) vow is off for the moment…yup cracked like you all beleived…..story to come lol
Jeremy - WTF man, that lasted what….a day???
Chris - BWAH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! :rofl: BWAH HAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH!! MA HA! MA HA! MA HA! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! :rofl:
May 1st: 180 days of celibacy! This is my vow and I swear by it!
May 4th: Yup…I cracked.
3 days. Beautiful! 1/60th of the vow fulfilled. Well, let’s see. How can we put a positive spin on this. Um…you were 1.6% successful. Um…that’s all I got.
Josh - this is how the crack went down….i went in the same direction that jay went at the herron last year…different girl though…twice might i add…i am a dirty dirty boy
Jeremy - Way to cowboy-up the will power there man!!! Its like you planned a wedding cake and delivered a mudpie. Literally.
Josh - yeah like you guys realy cared lol…you were all expecting me to fail lol
Chris - Yeah, but not this soon! I was banking on two weeks or so, but 3 days…
Josh - i need more prep-time and more rules established…i will begin this quest in the near future
Chris - *holds his breath*
Josh, my friend, I am here to help you. I understand why you want to make this vow and how important it is to you to really do it! So, being the excellent friend that I am, I will ensure that this vow of celibacy happens. Starting on July 2nd, you will NOT have sex for 90 days…or, at least 4 which is over three times as long as your last stint of not having sex.
“How?” you might ask? Easily…I am going to cockblock your ass at every turn. Whenever I see you talking to a girl, I’ll be sure to turn the conversation to your most recent romantic endeavors, inadequate penis size, likely venereal diseases, or (if necessary) the fact that one of your items of clothing is on fire. (The last one will require a little extra work on my part, but I’m willing to go the extra mile for you.)
Yes, Josh, you are lucky to have a friend like me. Jay, Jer, and Oi, please join me in helping this mountain of man we call Josh. He needs and wants our help to be abstinant, and it is our duty to help him. Not just as friends, but as human beings. The next time you see him turning on the charm or preparing to elbow drop a girl, step in and do what’s right…humiliate him and draw attention to his lesser points. No matter how much he fights, remember that this was his choice and something that he truly desires, regardless of what he might say or do. He’ll thank you for your interference in the end.
Jeremy - Don’t forget, his birthday is during Heron weekend. If all else fails just revert to birthday beats.
Josh - Mr. Chris….upon hearing this I have decided that…i don’t need your help lol…i am good at fucking up my own game…as far as beats….BRING IT! I will drink a 12 pack of TILTS and show you a whole new Josh….call Jay and ask lol
Jeremy - …because the old Josh was a debutant socialite with a monacle and top hat.
Josh - lol…true….